Ex-Vegan (6 Years): I Couldn't Continue Living My Life - Suicidal Tendencies

Watch on YouTube · 2018-08-07 · 40 min

0:00 Alright, just start at the beginning and tell how you got into veganism and when this was.

[video] 0:06 Okay, so my name is Hannah and I'm 26 years old and I was vegan for 6 years and before that I was vegetarian for 7 years. So, kind of how that started was I was 13 and I saw a documentary, it was about unethical fishing practices. And they talked about long line fishing and all that kind of stuff. And I was really moved by it. I mean, I've grown up with animals and in nature in Canada. So it really spoke to me. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And there wasn't much more involved in it. There wasn't any health benefits that I was contemplating. It was just purely for the animals. And so I did that. I was vegetarian for all my teen years and up until I was 20. And that coincided kind of with me developing an eating disorder.

[video] 1:04 So I was bulimic and anorexic, and I kind of struggled with this on and off. I would say up until I was maybe 24.

1:18 I'm sorry. Is your ventilator on, by the way? Yeah?

[video] 1:23 No. I think it might be out of my computer.

1:26 Yeah? Ah, okay. That's okay. It's fine.

[video] 1:30 So, yeah, I want to bring up my eating disorder because I do think, though I didn't become anorexic or bulimic because of veganism or vegetarianism, it definitely exacerbated that condition for me. And so, basically... struggling with lots of digestive issues throughout my teen years, which only made me want to be more anorexic, more bulimic, you know, because I didn't want to have this huge bloated belly. And really now when I reflect back on it, it was completely because of my diet. And I remember going to bed and having this huge extended belly and being so upset about it and waking up and it's still there, you know, and it's hard as a rock.

[video] 2:27 And I never contributed that to my diet and it only made me want to purge more or starve myself more. But anyway, I want to fast forward a little bit to my 20s when I become vegan. So I lived in Japan for about a year when I was 20 and

[video] 2:49 That's kind of where I discovered veganism and raw veganism, which is funny because it's not really a thing in Japan. In fact, like the Japanese word for veganism is super long. And when you say it, no one knows what you're talking about. So it's kind of funny that I discovered it there. And I think this is an important thing to mention is that I discovered veganism during a really depressive time in my life. So I've always struggled with depression. and suicidal thoughts. And this, I'm sure, is in part due to my eating disorder and my fluctuating moods because of that. But when I went to Japan, I was one of the most depressed states that I've ever been in. And at that time, I also found veganism. And what I've noticed for a lot of people who do become vegan, they do so at a time when they're struggling.

[video] 3:48 you know, and they need a community, or they need an outlet, a higher purpose, they need to feel like they're doing something right. So I decided to go vegan for environmental issues, for health reasons, for, you know, animals, like, the whole ethical gamut of why one would go vegan. And I, at first, it was a I felt good because I was channeling all my energies into redefining my diet. And I don't feel like I actually felt any health benefits from veganism. It was more of a mental relief from the depression that I was experiencing to focus on veganism. Also at this time, I discovered a lot of people online who had a history of eating disorders and were now raw vegan.

[video] 4:48 This now blows my mind because one of the things that they would promote is, you know, just eating a lot of fruit all the time, like, gorging yourself on fruit. And one of the things that made my eating disorder worse and worse was the bloating that I was experiencing because I just wanted to have, like, basically a concave tummy, right? I didn't want to have any food in my belly, and I can only imagine, like, recovering from an eating disorder and having a distended belly all the time from all this fruit that you're eating.

[video] 5:22 And these girls looked sick, and these girls were mentally ill, just like I was mentally ill. I was still dealing with my eating disorder, and I was still dealing with depression. I want to make this clear that I wasn't in a healthy mental state when I made that decision, which I think a lot of people aren't. There was no clarity of thought. There was no rationality. I didn't decide to research more about the diet. It was more of this, oh, well, I feel this is the right thing to do. And that's really not how I want to live my life. I don't want to live my life based upon a feeling, something that's intuitive. I want there to be rationality in the decisions I make.

[video] 6:10 OK, so I come back from Japan. And basically, my eating disorder just, it's at the worst it's ever been. I come back from Japan, I lose about 25 pounds in a month. I'm in university at this time as well. I actually have to pull out of university because I have professors calling my family, which is unheard of. Professors, don't call your parents. This is university. Being like, we're really concerned about your daughter. She doesn't look well. She can't stay awake in class. And previously, I was getting scholarships in university. I've always been an academic person. I loved school. And I was just struggling. And yeah, basically, I didn't want to live anymore. And I remember in the dead of winter, I lived in Canada, having smoothies and apples in the morning and wondering why I feel so like I want to kill myself. OK, I don't think I was attempting to be raw vegan.

[video] 7:12 But I definitely was sympathetic to it, and I definitely thought, oh, well, this is going to be the purest way to eat, and it's the purest way to maintain my body. And so I would eat raw meals whenever possible. So also during this time, I was dealing with crazy, crazy bouts of anger. I'm not an angry person, but I would feel all of a sudden, just out of the blue, just violent inside and unbelievably angry the same time I'd be walking down campus and I would just feel like I needed to just sob uncontrollably all of a sudden and it was really scary because I felt really out of control um specifically the feeling of being ungrounded and this is a feeling that I think underpins the entirety of veganism I think it's just

[video] 8:12 If I were to define veganism in terms of a frequency or in terms of a feeling or in terms of an energy, it's ungrounded. It's unhinged. People aren't in their bodies. They're just floating in the ethers. And I will come to experience this more when I start to work at a vegan restaurant. So I'll go into that in a second. So basically, six months after coming back from Tokyo,

[video] 8:41 I have to withdraw out of university. Basically, it's required of me, this university. This is a very good university. And they're like, we're not going to allow you to take classes anymore. You need to go see a therapist. You need to get better, whatever. So begrudgingly, because I wanted to finish my degree, I drop out of university. And at this time, I'm trying to seek help. therapy but I'm also seeing a naturopath because I'm experiencing crazy digestive issues again and I had tried everything to see well obviously it wasn't having dairy at the time but when I was in high school I was being tested for celiac being tested for lactose intolerance all these things so and none of it you know came positive they just said oh you have IBS so and

[video] 9:41 I went to see a naturopath and she asked me, what's your diet? And I said, well, I eat a vegan diet. And she said, you know, if you want to heal your stomach and if you want to heal your mind, you cannot be vegan anymore, you know. And I was just like, well, hell to the no, that's not happening. Like, I'm staying vegan. We're going to have to work around this. And she said, at the very least, you need to take whey protein shakes, and you need to have those four times a day. Like, you need to have the protein, or you're not going to heal your intestines. You're not going to have the fortitude to do just to live life, right?

[video] 10:22 So I agreed to do this. So I probably had whey protein shakes, not four times a day, but maybe one to two times a day for four months or so. And then I kind of gave up on that. During that time, I definitely put weight on, and I definitely had improvement in my digestion. But I didn't want to continue it anymore. And so around four months later, I stopped. Around this time, I also got a job working at a vegan cafe.

[video] 10:55 And I was here for about a year and a half. And where do I even begin? So basically, in terms of a workplace, it was unbelievably chaotic. Everyone just, emotion was unstable. And that was OK. That was okay. It was okay to just be emotional and cry. And it was okay to not follow health standards. It was okay to just act inappropriate at a workplace. And I do contribute this to veganism because I think basically everyone there was vegan. And I just, like I said, no one is grounded. No one is thinking clearly. No one is thinking about boundaries. No one is thinking about how a business should be run.

[video] 11:50 I've never worked somewhere where there is such little organization or, you know, organization. Like all the finances I know for the business were all over the place. And the place was mostly raw vegan. We had a little bit of cooked food. So I was eating lots of raw food. And it was also, correct me if I'm wrong, followed the Gershon diet. So we made recipes from the Gershon diet, including all the juices. And I was so confused because one of the Gershon diet or therapy is used to treat cancer patients. And there's so much fruit juice, so much apples in the juice.

[video] 12:43 I was juicing green juice all the time, but I wouldn't put any fruit in it because I didn't want to spike my blood sugar levels. And I couldn't believe the amount of apples and oranges and like pears, just so much fruit juice in the green juices and the beet juices. Even customers would be like, oh, this is so sickly sweet. I don't know how I can drink all of this. And the customers, I would say, also reflected the instability. People would make crazy requests and be unbelievably demanding. Customers would ask inappropriate questions. And like I said, I do think it is a reflection of veganism in terms of people's relation to others, people's relationship to themselves, and people's relationship to reality.

[video] 13:43 People are just not, have no sense of boundaries, no sense of what's right or wrong. People act impulsively based upon what they want in the moment. And I definitely was acting that way too. I was unbelievably impulsive. I had no kind of, no sense of boundaries for myself.

[video] 14:05 Sorry, I just have some notes I want to make sure that I'm not missing anything. So, yeah, I ended up leaving there. And, yeah, I ended up leaving there because I was not happy. I was constantly angry working there, and I felt everyone... Basically, I thought that... the world was a different place from working there. And then I ended up working at another restaurant, not a vegan restaurant. I'm like, oh, this is how a business can be run. This is how people can interact with each other in a normal way, right? And we're not always like trying to gaze into each other's eyes at work, you know, because it's part of the new age community, right?

[video] 14:49 And so at the time I...

[video] 14:56 I think after I left there, I definitely was getting more of a handle on my eating disorder. I still had an unhealthy relationship with food in the sense that I felt, I feel like I was probably orthorexic, like really struck on what I put in my body. I only wanted to have low-fat foods. I even like wouldn't even put a dressing on my salad that had like pumpkin seeds in it, right? That's too much fat.

[video] 15:24 And I was just looking gaunt. And I noticed this with a lot of vegans, just like my face was losing volume. And I was like in my early 20s, right? I'm losing this plumpness to my skin. Another thing is I play violin. I'm a musician. And I would go to the studio to record music or to rehearse.

[video] 15:52 I would be hit with an intense brain fog. Like, as soon as I sit down to go play, it's like, oh, like, this huge, like, hitting a brick wall, and I can't think straight, and I just, like, wow, my body and mind feels heavy. I never attribute it to veganism again, because veganism is, I consider it to be pure. You couldn't mess with it. You couldn't touch with it. It must be something else. Maybe I just am tired. I haven't been getting enough sleep. And that would plague me all the time, just this intense brain fog that would leave me immobile, basically. I would have to go take a nap or something. And it really messed with my creativity. It really messed with my sense of productivity. And in turn, really messed with my confidence, because I wasn't creating. I wasn't doing the things that I wanted to do because of this. I became imprisoned in this diet.

[video] 16:52 And so, let's see, basically, I think what ended up happening was I finally got to a place where I was healing from my eating disorder, like in terms of I wasn't restricting the things that I wanted to eat, and I was eating full meals finally, and I wasn't depriving myself. So with that, I realized that I actually needed to put some weight on and that I was underweight. And I wanted to have a fuller body. I wanted to have more muscle tone. And I just wanted to look healthier, right? So in attempting to do this, I was eating bigger meals. And finally, I felt I had crossed that bridge over from my eating disorder into this real place of health where I wanted to eat more food.

[video] 17:51 I wanted to have a fuller body, and I wasn't going to deny myself. So now we're entering into the stage where I soon believe veganism. So basically, I'm eating more, and I'm not gaining any weight. Not gaining any weight. In fact, my weight would fluctuate so much. My weight would fluctuate maybe two to five pounds sometimes. Not ever above, but below. And this was unbelievably infuriating for me, and I couldn't see how that was healthy. Like, how is it healthy for my weight to fluctuate? I know women's bodies fluctuate, but this was like, no, this was underweight all the time.

[video] 18:40 Also, around this time, I discovered, funnily enough,

[video] 18:48 people like Jordan Peterson. I don't know if you know Jordan Peterson. Yeah, so I discovered him and I was really interested. Well, I've always been interested in philosophy and ethics. It was part of my degree in university and I

[video] 19:05 was interested in, I guess, in the social issues of the day and his commentary and other people's commentary. And because of that, a friend suggested that I read a book called The Righteous Mind. It's by Jonathan Haidt. It has nothing to do with veganism. It's completely about the premise of the book is how humans make moral judgments. That's completely not based upon reasoning, that basically we have an intuitive feeling, then we have the judgment, and then we have the post hoc reasoning. And so it's kind of a reflection on current political times and like tribalism, basically. Political tribalism. And it's so funny because after I read that book, I was like, I was just like, I had an aha moment and I was like, I need to leave veganism. I need to not be vegan anymore. I was like, it was really humbling, really humbling moment for me because

[video] 20:07 Something that I'm very critical of is feminism, modern-day feminism, especially in the West, because I deem it an ideology. And I'm very critical of ideology, as I think everyone should be. And I realized I was following an ideology, that veganism is an ideology. that it's not based upon research, it's not based upon the evidence, both academic research and also just my personal research in terms of my personal experience. And I was blinded by ideology. And yeah, I really had to humble myself because it's not a fun thing to admit. We want to believe we have free will, right? But if you're making your decisions based upon

[video] 20:58 predetermined ideology which is like this way that you have to view everything and everything's black and white then you know it's you know it's hard to it's hard to um be honest about that yeah so I was like I'm not going to be vegan anymore thanks to this book and basically overnight I got bone broth I got grass-fed beef actually grass-fed bison I got um grass-fed yogurt And I just nourished myself. And the feeling that I felt, the first meat or animal product meal that I had was all this warmth in my face. I could feel it in my cheeks. And I felt like I had been in a sauna and just completely relaxed my body.

[video] 21:55 I would get lots of tension in my wrists, in my shoulders, in my joints. I thought that was not so much in my legs, but I thought that was from playing the violin. And I absolutely don't think that's the case. I think it's from my diet. And, yeah, I just felt like I had had the best sleep and that I had gone to the sauna and that I just was, like, wrapped in a blanket. Like, I felt great. A month later... So I should say, and this is like, you know, for the women out there, one of the things that, like, if you on, I guess, on YouTube or on the internet, vegans will try and normalize women losing their periods, which is so crazy. And I'll talk, I have a theory about this. But anyway, that's ridiculous. I don't, as if that's not a red flag in and of itself.

[video] 22:52 So basically I never lost my period, but as soon as I started veganism, the first period that I had, the first day I would have crippling pain. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't walk, I couldn't believe it, I'd never felt anything like this before. I would have to, I'm not one for pharmaceuticals or over-the-counter drugs, but I would have to take like a buttload of Advil because there was no other way I could function. And that was like clockwork. Every month I would experience first, predominantly the first day, excruciating pain. And I would get anxious about it because it was so bad. It's like, oh shit, I'm going to get this pain like in a week. I am not kidding you. I am not kidding you. The first period that I got after quitting veganism, no pain.

[video] 23:50 Like, no pain whatsoever. And I can't stress to you, just that alone is life-changing. That alone was amazing.

[video] 24:03 Wow, that was just crazy. I was like, oh my God, I don't have to take Advil today. I mean, that alone stresses my liver. Like, I don't have to take Advil every month, you know? So, and no herbs had helped. No, like, you know, I've done the raspberry leaf. I've done, you know, the arnica. I've done it all, right? Like, it didn't work, so.

[video] 24:25 I think it's interesting because when I reflect about it, I think veganism attacks the feminine and the masculine in a really... in a really foundational way. I think for women, it attacks their fertility, and for men, it attacks their virility. So for women, it really fucks with, I guess, your periods and with being able to have babies. And with men, it fucks with sperm count. And you have to question why something's becoming so popular. I'm into all this.

[video] 25:04 social and political issues of the day. And I guess, I don't know, I'm suspicious as to why a diet is being so popularized that really kind of toys with the fundamentals of what it means to be a woman and what it means to be a man. And I think that's not something to be taken lightly. I think it's very serious. And we know that men who are vegan, especially if they eat a lot of soy, their sperm counts drop drastically. Yeah, so I think I just have a few more things I want to say, and then let's see. Oh yeah, so during the time that I was recovering and my naturopath said that she wanted me to...

[video] 25:58 wanted me to have whey protein I had tried a little bit of egg and I had felt really nauseous and I was like well obviously I can't put this kind of stuff in my body look how I react and I'm realizing it's just like and I've heard anecdotal stories from a lot of people who you know who come off of veganism is that they, or who were vegan, that they developed all these food sensitivities and they became, oh, I can only eat certain things and, um, Yeah, so basically, I think that's what happened. Like, I just became sensitive. And I think I also, from bulimia and also from veganism, I had really weakened my digestive system. Like, my stomach just became weak. So eating things like dairy or milk might have been too heavy for my system. But I've been eating eggs and dairy and meat, and I...

[video] 26:57 have no digestive issues, and this has been amazing, is that I will eat, like, a real substantial meal, oxtail soup or olive savin or bison or something, and the next day, it's like my tummy is flat as a board. Like, my digestion is just amazing. And I feel really lucky that I haven't done more damage to myself since I was vegan for six years, considering that I also was basically starving myself. time, and I'd just like to say that that's kind of, that's not, people, the vegan community normalizes that, they normalize under eating, and the biggest thing that I've noticed is because veganism is very much attached to the new age community, and I'm kind of a hippie myself, so I One of the things that they talk about as veganism is the spiritual diet, and that kind of appealed to me. It's vanity, let's be honest.

[video] 27:57 It appeals to vanity.

[video] 28:03 They'll talk about, oh, you have a green juice in the morning or a green smoothie, and then you get this buzzing, this high feeling. It feels like you're high, like you've done a microdose of psilocybin or something.

[video] 28:16 from coming from an eating disorder background, I can tell you that that buzzing feeling is the feeling of starvation. And it's something that I would chase when I was starving myself. Because after you purge or after you starve yourself, you get this buzzing feeling. And it feels like a high. So it has nothing to do with spirituality. It's that your body is screaming, basically. So I don't know. I feel like I've talked a lot. But I guess I could talk a lot more because it's been such a real moving experience. I found new videos too and they really just confirmed that my decision has been the right one.

29:01 Did you also get into supplements?

[video] 29:07 Oh yeah, okay, thanks. Yeah, so I was... One of also the reasons that I had been contemplating leaving veganism was because I was looking at all the supplements I was taking. And the environmental aspects of pseudo-environmental, because now I know it's not really environmental to be vegan. But what I thought was environmental, they really didn't matter to me.

[video] 29:40 I'm looking at the vitamin D I'm taking, the DHA that I'm taking, the collagen. Well, I started taking collagen because I had surgery on my nose. I had a blocked passageway, like a blocked septum. So I had surgery in my nose on December, and my recovery was so slow. My energy stores were so defeated that my surgeon said he's never seen someone my age recover from a pretty minor surgery. And I actually went to see him two weeks ago, and he's like, your nose, and my nose is still kind of swollen here, and he's like, your nose is still very swollen, the tissue is still really inflamed, and this is unheard of for someone your age. This is more of someone who's, you know, in their 70s, 80s. And I completely think that's, well, I know it's from veganism. I just had no energy reserves. And after my surgery, I lost like 10 pounds. And this is a pretty minor surgery.

[video] 30:36 Like a lot of people have it for deviated septums. And well, now I wish I had had it after, you know, changing my diet. But anyway, so yeah, I took these supplements and I'm looking at them like, how is this environmental? Like these are all synthetic. They're all produced in a factory. First of all, how have I normalized this? Like if veganism is like, a complete diet, then why am I having to do this? This is actually delusional. This is actually something a crazy person would do. And also just in terms of the environmental aspect of producing these supplements. It's not environmental. Also around the same time I met someone who

[video] 31:24 works on a local farm and I he kind of I said I was vegan and he said well I'm not vegan I eat meat I eat heart I eat liver I like you know I take care of these animals but I also butcher them and I had a conversation with him and I had literally never met anyone who had such a deep connection and understanding of animals and it really changed my perspective of what It means to eat meat. And also what it means to be a part of nature. I didn't want to remove myself from the natural cycle anymore. I don't think that's normal. I don't think it's natural. And I think because of that, veganism is just completely unnatural. It's completely unnatural. So, yeah, I definitely took supplements and I stopped taking that. And I also started researching about the damage that supplements can do long-term.

32:22 Yeah. Did you have any vegan friends and do you still have contact?

[video] 32:28 Yeah, so I do have a... Okay, so I'm... It's...

[video] 32:34 I think one of the reasons why I was able to just... cold turkey, be like, I'm not going to be vegan anymore, is because really I'm a bit of a loner. Like, I spend a lot of my time by myself in the studio. So I didn't really feel any kind of pressure from any kind of community. I do have some friends who are vegan. And I haven't really had an issue with, you know, to be honest, with... changing my diet, I'm sure that would be different if I was completely in the New Age community, but I'm not because I think it's a really unhealthy, manipulative community. That's just sophistry, basically.

33:25 What do you think is the future of veganism? What's going to happen? Do you think that someone's pushing it, or where did it come from?

[video] 33:35 So I think that with time, there's going to be more research done on veganism. Because this is another thing, too. Veganism is completely an experiment on your own body.

[video] 33:48 Yes, there's a little bit of research. I mean, there's information out there plainly saying that you cannot get all the minerals and vitamins that you need from plants, and that plants are stressors, and they will attack your immune system. So there's all information on that, but in terms of actually following someone who's who's been vegan their entire life, we don't have as much research on that. So I do think there's going to be more and more research, and I think we're going to see just how people physically and mentally deteriorate on a vegan diet. I think even now we're seeing so many people who are in social media and stuff, people who are vegan and they're constantly talking about dealing with depression. They're constantly talking about dealing with just in total, always in crisis mode. No, I'm going to have to change this about my diet and everything's going to be fine. Or maybe if I just have more of this, everything's going to be fine.

[video] 34:44 And I have to say that mentally, I've just completely stabilized. I feel so grounded. It's like I feel connected to the earth. And before, I constantly felt like I was just floating around. And now I feel there's like this fortitude of self. Do I think it's being pushed? Yeah, I do. I think veganism is attached to feminist ideology. I think a lot of times it's virtue signaling, like people say that they're vegan and therefore somehow they're, you know.

[video] 35:22 They get to justify their position on anything, because, oh, I made the decision to be vegan, and that's just the more ethical, moral, holier choice. I'm not going to go into all my theories, because I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist about it, but I definitely think it's being popularized more and more for a reason. And like I said, I do think it attacks the masculine and the feminine, and I think that's I think that's really dangerous.

35:54 Would you say that veganism was a mistake then, or was it simply a life lesson? Do you regret it now?

[video] 36:01 Yeah, well, I'm not one of those people who says I don't regret anything, right? So I definitely regret it. Did I get anything from it? Yeah, I think what I did learn from it was I discovered herbalism, which has served me. I discovered mushroom medicine, which has served me. And I do think that it fast tracked me to discovering those things. I think maybe I would have taken a little bit longer to have discovered those things if I wasn't vegan. That being said, if there was more of a conscious meeting in community, I think they would have led me to that as well. But veganism is just like, especially in the city I live in, it's very accessible, so it was just there. It was easy for me to be a part of.

[video] 37:00 So yeah, though I did take a few things from it, and I think it kind of led me to a more holistic approach to life, I do regret it. I do regret it, and also I regret that I didn't eat meat for my entire formative years, like I'm like, I try not to engage with, well, what have I, what kind of damage did I do, especially, like, with the brain? Like, that I, yeah, that I don't like to, because, you know, what's done is done. So, yeah, I do regret it.

37:35 Is there anything you would want to say to vegans, if any are watching? Anything important you can think of?

[video] 37:42 Yeah, well, like I said, this is like, I don't really have anything to say other than that I want people to be open to a discussion. I want people to be able to talk about the pros, the cons, whatever, about whatever position that you have. I think that we deny kind of the benefits of eating meat, and we deny the conversation associated with that. And I'm not for... limiting speech, and especially something as fundamental as diet. I mean, our diet is our livelihoods. It's our connection to ourselves, to the planet, and to everyone else around us. If you're vegan, I think you should reflect on the emotional attachment you have to it and reflect on how much of it is an ideology. Can you actually rationalize and substantiate

[video] 38:42 your choices? Or is it just intuitive? Is it just a calling? You know, and as much as I believe in, you know, developing the intuitive self and the feeling self, I also believe in the rational self. And you can't divorce the two from one another, right? So yeah, I think that's all I really have to say.

39:04 Yeah, nothing else you want to add that sums it up?

[video] 39:09 Oh, well, let's see. Let me check my notes. Yeah, sure, just check. Yeah, I think I definitely covered everything, yeah.

39:26 Yeah, thanks for sharing.

[video] 39:27 Thank you so much for letting me. Yeah, I mean, it's been so cathartic, and like I said, interesting to note that when I became vegan, I never felt like I needed to share my insight on veganism because I never felt I never had this ever this period where I was like I feel amazing or I feel like you know I feel like I'm in my strongest most vibrant self I never had that but within like two three months of changing over it's like I'm paralleled the changes I've experienced and I really you know I'm a little bit shy I told you I was a little bit shy to do this but um I really felt a desire to share my insight because it has been so profound.

40:11 Yeah, I'm glad you did it.

[video] 40:14 Oh, thank you.